The wedding has just hit that rock-hard-terrible stage. Both Jason and I are focused on our careers right now, and on all sorts of hectic needs that keep us at our respective offices until 8pm (or later.) We don't have much time or energy for basic around-the-house chores, let alone the pile of wedding items that we need to get done. And the wedding items range from labor-intensive last minute shopping, planning, making, and logistical planning to the heavy things like ceremony writing and the planning of private us and family time. We can't seem to give any of them the time or focus they deserve and require.
And somehow, in the middle of all this, we're finally slamming up against the real, gut wrenching challenge of what it means to become a new family unit. We're just under three months out, and all the small nagging concerns that were easy to ignore have suddenly become urgent. Pressing inward until I can hardly breathe. Ramifications pushing outward in ways that mutate beyond our control or ability to manage. To mitigate. To desperately try and fix. We can't brush these things aside any longer. They are demanding our attention, just when we have no attention left to give.
I was prepared for the unending task lists. I was prepared for the effects of procrastination. I was prepared for the challenge of balancing work and wedding needs. But I wasn't prepared for this. I wasn't prepared for how twisted my emotions would come as we finally battle out what this wedding and our new family really means.
Ask me again a few months from now, and I think I'll tell you it was worth it. That these battles during the wedding process are important. Crucial. Imperative. We're redrawing the lines of family and responsibilities and who we are in the world - as individuals, as partners, as children, as a family, and that process deserves our time and attention.. I may emerge battle scarred and bruised from this wedding planning process, but I'm forging ahead, because I can tell that we're finally getting to the stuff that makes the wedding worthwhile. And in the meantime, as we muddle through, I can look forward to our massive celebration of family and love, and our two week honeymoon of solitude and adventure as my reward for working through these challenging moments.