Thursday, January 13, 2011

When Hard Becomes Real

The wedding has just hit that rock-hard-terrible stage. Both Jason and I are focused on our careers right now, and on all sorts of hectic needs that keep us at our respective offices until 8pm (or later.) We don't have much time or energy for basic around-the-house chores, let alone the pile of wedding items that we need to get done. And the wedding items range from labor-intensive last minute shopping, planning, making, and logistical planning to the heavy things like ceremony writing and the planning of private us and family time. We can't seem to give any of them the time or focus they deserve and require.

And somehow, in the middle of all this, we're finally slamming up against the real, gut wrenching challenge of what it means to become a new family unit. We're just under three months out, and all the small nagging concerns that were easy to ignore have suddenly become urgent. Pressing inward until I can hardly breathe. Ramifications pushing outward in ways that mutate beyond our control or ability to manage. To mitigate. To desperately try and fix. We can't brush these things aside any longer. They are demanding our attention, just when we have no attention left to give.

I was prepared for the unending task lists. I was prepared for the effects of procrastination. I was prepared for the challenge of balancing work and wedding needs. But I wasn't prepared for this. I wasn't prepared for how twisted my emotions would come as we finally battle out what this wedding and our new family really means.

Ask me again a few months from now, and I think I'll tell you it was worth it. That these battles during the wedding process are important. Crucial. Imperative. We're redrawing the lines of family and responsibilities and who we are in the world - as individuals, as partners, as children, as a family, and that process deserves our time and attention.. I may emerge battle scarred and bruised from this wedding planning process, but I'm forging ahead, because I can tell that we're finally getting to the stuff that makes the wedding worthwhile. And in the meantime, as we muddle through, I can look forward to our massive celebration of family and love, and our two week honeymoon of solitude and adventure as my reward for working through these challenging moments.

10 comments:

  1. Hang in there. As you know...it is indeed worth it.

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  2. I don't know if they have anything like this in your area, but we used a wedding planner who was seeking unpaid work experience for her resumé. She was a fantastic help for all those little things that you just don't have time for. If possible, try and find someone who has the adequate insurance in place, should anything go wrong.

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  3. Thank you so much for this post. I am also hanging on to the honeymoon as my magical reward for getting through all of this stress. I'm even just tired about talking about the wedding. I haven't been able to bring myself to blog about it, because that means I have to think about it. I'm also starting to realize that my procrastination (i.e. belief that it will all just happen magically) has started to really affect what options I have because of lack of time. Just hold on to the fact that after April 3 you'll be married and on you way to a beautiful trip!

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  4. LOVELY. i might try the unpaid wedding planner thing too...hm...i'm sure, like you said, you'll back on this and say it's worth it, but i understand how the pressure feels...hang in there, kiddo, it'll be behind you and the whole future will be ahead..

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  5. I don't have much advice but I can say I really feel your pain. We're 6 weeks out and last night, I cried more than I ever had in my entire life. I woke up with my eyes practically swollen shut. Everything is so urgent and emotions are running so incredibly high. For me, I focus my stress and nerves on the wedding planning details but I don't think it comes from said details. It's more about the (painful & scary) process of... becoming a new family....as well as uniting our two families together. It's a lot of work and I'm emotionally worn out!!

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  6. Goodness I feel you. Redrawing the lines is a hard battle to fight. Even if you are on the same team, it can wreck havoc on both of you. And ultimately you are on the same team, it's just that you both probably have different ideas of what that team looks like or how it operates. The reality of marriage is a difficult process to deal with. So many people ignore the tough stuff during the wedding planning process and I think that might be why many marriages fall apart so quickly.

    Obviously you have a good perspective on this. You know that it's hard and that you'll get bruised, but it'll be worth it. You know that your wedding is going to be a celebration of epic proportion, not just because it is a party, but because you've done so much hard work to get to that point. But even knowing all that stuff, sometimes it just really sucks.

    So, I'm sending you many good thoughts and hugs from Fargo. If there is anything I can do to help, please let me know. My eyes are already on the look out for your shoes.

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  7. I agree... it'll all be worth it. And sometimes the deepest scars or wounds are the ones we are most proud of b/c its the ones that taught us the most. Good luck and breathe... deep breaths and reminders of why will get you through this! :)

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  8. Beautifully written--thank you for giving voice to what we all struggle through. Those moments, however difficult, are the reason that a public wedding allows you to form a new family in a way that a private commitment cannot. Hang in there, it really will be worth it. And the best thing you can do during these last three months is to ask for help! Your family and friends love you and want to support you--you are not alone in this.

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  9. THIS is why you have a wedding. You have to sort the stuff out, it's imperative, and a wedding can help you do just that.

    The wedding will be amazing, because you've earned it.

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  10. i'm sorry.

    the wedding will feel extra-worth-it in the end. because you fought to have it.

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