Right now, I hate my wedding. I hate how our once perfect-seeming venue is now seeming more and more like it won't work. I hate that I have a list of venue alternatives that I know won't work. I hate how, for a variety of reasons, we have no flexibility on our date (which is problematic if you're starting an alternative venue search). I hate that our guest list is huge and complicated. I hate how our budget isn't nearly enough to find other reasonable venue options in Los Angeles. I hate that the one other reasonable venue I thought I'd found won't call me back either, and it's been weeks now (what is it with these places?! And this one is owned by a nearby city!) I hate how we're constrained in every direction: budget, guest list, date, handicapped accessibility needs, geography, and everything else. I hate that my one non-negotiable (having an outdoor ceremony in a place with an aesthetic soul) is seeming more and more impossible to effectively or cost-effectively manage in Los Angeles.
But mostly, I hate that I seem to be losing my wedding. This wedding that started out as a compromise between my backyard wedding/campsite retreat desires and Jason's larger wedding desires became something we dreamed up together and somehow fell in love with along the way. I love the setting for it's views and emotional resonance in our lives. I love that it has an indoor-outdoor setup. I love that it feels a bit rustic instead of being immaculately maintained like most stand-alone wedding locations. I love our taco truck and friend-made dessert buffet dreams. I love our pinata and lawn game plans. I love the feeling I get in my heart when I think of this wedding.
But as the problems mount, so do my concerns. I'm doubting the ease-of-access between the ceremony and reception area for many of our mobility-impaired guests. I'm doubting the venue itself to hold good on its promises. I'm doubting my own ability to coordinate every last rental, catering option, staffing need, and 10am-midnight timeframe for this production.
I'm losing my wedding. I haven't found any viable, affordable venue alternatives to take its place, and I've spent more time looking in more obscure corners of the internet than I care to admit. If this venue doesn't work, we'll really have to start from scratch and be ready to compromise away the the charming plans that made us so happy. We might even need to consider not getting married outdoors, for a number of reasons, and I already feel my heart twisting up in pain at the thought of it. We'll probably need to use a preferred or in-house caterer, significantly increasing our costs and losing the taco truck and home-baked buffet. We'll probably lose the lawn games. We'll definitely be paying a lot more for something that probably won't feel nearly as right.
So right now, I hate my wedding and wish it would just go jump in the lake and let me have a simple backyard party. Unfortunately, I'm left with this mess instead.