I'll be okay. Really. But that doesn't take away from the scary moments and what if/where do we go from here questions. And it doesn't take away from how tired I am of the hard stuff happening to us. I recognize that, in most ways, we are extraordinarily blessed. We have amazing families and friends. We both have jobs that we enjoy and that offer real room for growth. Overall, we've been thrown a few health-related (our own and our families') curveballs and a few scary job moments, but we're okay.
In truth, we're more than okay. And I wonder if, paradoxically, it's because of the challenges. Migraine on our anniversary? He took care of canceling our Downtown LA hotel and fancy dinner reservation plans, picked up the surprise flower arrangements, and set them up on the floor for an impromptu at-home picnic. Flu on Valentine's day? I brought him chicken soup, flowers, and company while I unraveled and rescheduled our around-town all-day adventure plans. Mom in the hospital hours after he proposed? We wordlessly held hands and hugged our way through those first few says, letting that eventually transition into public joy and sharing once we knew everything was okay.
They're small moments, perhaps. But they're the indications of everything that matters underneath. They're the reminders of the days and weeks that were even harder, and of the everyday grace and strength that navigating a joint lifetime requires. They're the reminders that we can't get complacent. They're the reason that we don't take each other for granted. They're the reason we wake each other up at 6:15am to exercise a few times a week and why we're cutting corners elsewhere to invest in higher-quality produce and groceries. They're the reason we decided not to get cable and to instead focus on our individual projects and scheming until far too late at night. They're the reason that we've learned to appreciate Sundays filled with farmer's market shopping, errands, gardening, cleaning, and homemade pizza making, because it's the only full day we really get to share and it's more fun to tackle it all together.
These last few months, we've been on fire. It's like we leaned back into each other for support, finally figured out how strong this thing is, and finally realized what we can do when you know, really truly know, that it's going to be okay no matter what. For the first time in years, I'm making real progress in accomplishing long term dreams. I'm writing every day. I'm volunteering at an organization that matters. I'm moving forward with my career and scheming about how to get accepted into a prestigious local leadership program. And Jason's accomplishments are paralleling mine. It's as if our plans finally have momentum. Perhaps even a bit too much hurling-forward, tumbling-over-itself momentum. We had to pause a bit lately and try to make sense of it all. To wonder about what we did with our days when they weren't full of work and projects and hobbies and cooking and wedding planning and evening drinks and everything else. To wonder how we keep on track when the setbacks can feel so derailing.
And then I lean back into Jason, readjust a bit, and brace myself for whatever comes next.
plastic-sfoonss via Le Love