Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Bravery

Behind the scenes, things have been hard here. Life hard. Scary hard. Wake up in the middle of the night with your mind racing fifteen years forward hard. At least healthcare reform legislation finally passed and in ten years some of this might be easier type of hard.

I'll be okay. Really. But that doesn't take away from the scary moments and what if/where do we go from here questions. And it doesn't take away from how tired I am of the hard stuff happening to us. I recognize that, in most ways, we are extraordinarily blessed. We have amazing families and friends. We both have jobs that we enjoy and that offer real room for growth. Overall, we've been thrown a few health-related (our own and our families') curveballs and a few scary job moments, but we're okay. 

In truth, we're more than okay. And I wonder if, paradoxically, it's because of the challenges. Migraine on our anniversary? He took care of canceling our Downtown LA hotel and fancy dinner reservation plans, picked up the surprise flower arrangements, and set them up on the floor for an impromptu at-home picnic. Flu on Valentine's day? I brought him chicken soup, flowers, and company while I unraveled and rescheduled our around-town all-day adventure plans. Mom in the hospital hours after he proposed? We wordlessly held hands and hugged our way through those first few says, letting that eventually transition into public joy and sharing once we knew everything was okay.

They're small moments, perhaps.  But they're the indications of everything that matters underneath.  They're the reminders of the days and weeks that were even harder, and of the everyday grace and strength that navigating a joint lifetime requires.  They're the reminders that we can't get complacent.  They're the reason that we don't take each other for granted.  They're the reason we wake each other up at 6:15am to exercise a few times a week and why we're cutting corners elsewhere to invest in higher-quality produce and groceries. They're the reason we decided not to get cable and to instead focus on our individual projects and scheming until far too late at night. They're the reason that we've learned to appreciate Sundays filled with farmer's market shopping, errands, gardening, cleaning, and homemade pizza making, because it's the only full day we really get to share and it's more fun to tackle it all together.

These last few months, we've been on fire. It's like we leaned back into each other for support, finally figured out how strong this thing is, and finally realized what we can do when you know, really truly know, that it's going to be okay no matter what. For the first time in years, I'm making real progress in accomplishing long term dreams. I'm writing every day. I'm volunteering at an organization that matters. I'm moving forward with my career and scheming about how to get accepted into a prestigious local leadership program. And Jason's accomplishments are paralleling mine.  It's as if our plans finally have momentum.  Perhaps even a bit too much hurling-forward, tumbling-over-itself momentum.  We had to pause a bit lately and try to make sense of it all. To wonder about what we did with our days when they weren't full of work and projects and hobbies and cooking and wedding planning and evening drinks and everything else. To wonder how we keep on track when the setbacks can feel so derailing.

And then I lean back into Jason, readjust a bit, and brace myself for whatever comes next.

 plastic-sfoonss via Le Love

15 comments:

  1. YES! See, this is what relationships are meant to do--transform each person into the best version of him or herself. Good for you guys. xo

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  2. You guys are great! Isn't this what a relationship is all about!? Glad you found each other and are working through life together. There will always be bumps along the way, and facing these together will make your strong bond even stronger. Great post!

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  3. That was one of the most inspirational post I've read about how partnership pushes you to live more fully and take in everything that life offers. Learning how lean and push back on the other person is hard to do, but is incredibly rewarding in all the ways you've listed. Now that is a marriage!

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  4. Awesomely fantastic post. So true to live and how relationships should be.

    I'm so happy for where you two are going together. And, thanks for sharing this (and off to share it with the Mr.).

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  5. I'm sorry for all the hard stuff. It is great that it has made you closer but crap that all the bad stuff had to happen. x

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  6. Beautiful. It's both weird and wonderful how the sum of the parts is greater than the whole?
    Wonderful! Thanks for sharing!

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  7. What a beautiful and inspirational post. I love the part about your plans finally having momentum. Pursuing your dreams can be scary, but with someone there to support you and reassure you that it will all be okay in the end, it at least makes those first steps a little less foreboding.

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  8. So so sweet...I love it. I am so tired of dealing with health related issues. I mean, those things always come up, but seriously - now more than ever, there's so much uncertainty and scary stuff going on. On both mine and Mr Fix It's side of the wedding guest list (even our vendors), we are trying to deal with loss, tests, cancer, many things right at a time when we should be able to enjoy ourselves and be excited about the future. Right now, we're just thankful to have our work and our health - as you said. So glad you see things in this perspective.

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  9. I love this post and I love to hear that you and Jason are falling into this awesome sync. I have found a similar transition that seemed to crop up with the new year/wedding planning/being engaged. It's all exercising, home improvement projects, and social lives and we just love it. It's really fantastic.

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  10. Fantastic post.

    Isn't it amazing when things just come together? ;)

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  11. ABSOLUTELY LOVE PHOTO and great post.

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  12. As a month-long lurker and gread admirer of your posts -- which say JUST WHAT I FEEL but far more eloquently than I ever could write -- I am terribly sorry to hear about your difficulties. I wish you all the best... and I hope the Nicole Miller dress finds a good home!

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  13. Beautiful, beautiful post, and a nice reminder of the reason people have long-term partnerships. Good luck to you guys, you've inspired me today :)

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  14. This, to me, is what love is all about. You have got to be brave to stand together through all of the tough times. When you get to this place with your partner, it's an amazing thing. You have a beautiful way of writing, and this is one of the best descriptions I've read about what love is, really.

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  15. You are truly an inspiration. I wish I could foster your strength.

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