Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Eff it if it's Not Fun

I am so. over. weddings.  Well, not all weddings, but mine in particular.  I'm sure your wedding is going to be lovely.  Mine, on the other hand, feels like a huge expensive stressful beast of an event that's taking me further and further from the parts that mattered in the first place: love, a public commitment shared with our loved ones, and a celebration of that commitment and joy.  Instead, my brain keeps playing over logistics scenarios and rapidly mounting costs and getting increasingly frustrated that all this effort and expense will buy us a pretty, pricey, stressful-though-joyful party in which we don't get to spend much time with each other or with our loved ones after all.  

And so, just as Jason started getting excited about the details, I couldn't take it anymore.  He showed me a picture of a succulent bouquet he thought I might like and I nearly ripped his head off.  Granted, it wasn't really my aesthetic cup of tea, but I clearly wasn't reacting to the floral arrangement.  Having Jason care about my damn bouquet* was just one more negotiation in a string of neverending negotiations and I couldn't take it anymore.  I couldn't take thinking about posts for this blog, or reading other people's wedding blog posts, or even thinking about weddings for one single moment.  I begged Jason to elope (and I don't beg.  I perhaps, on occasion, whine a bit, but I never beg.  Except about eloping - there was a definite pleaspleasplease moment.)  He vehemently declined.  I therefore continued to feel resentful about the stupid expensive wedding.  

Until tonight. I did some more elopement whining tonight (I've moved beyond the begging), said some things I regret, and shared a few epiphanies with Jason after the anger subsided a bit. Epiphany number one: eff it if it's not fun.  It sounds so simple now that we're saying it out loud and in context: If it's not fun to plan, eff it.  Either we're going to throw some minimal money at it to make it go away or eff it altogether.  Lanterns look pretty and would go splendidly in our reception space, but I can't think of anything more miserable than climbing ladders that morning to hang lanterns and we're certainly not paying someone to come in and hang lanterns (because duh, they're lanterns and I'm not in the "hire an event designer and team" budget category). So eff it. Centerpieces can certainly tie together a room and it might be fun to style a cohesive concept but, if we start bickering about flowers, tea lights or succulents, it's no longer any fun.  So eff it.  Short of effing the entire damn wedding, we're suddenly a lot more willing to say a big eff it left and right and all over.  Save the dates?  Eff it and give your grandparents a call.  Catered meal?  Eff it and hire a taco truck.  Trying to plan a DJ dance party with Sunday night noise restrictions?  Eff it and head back to the hotel lounge.  I refuse to spend the next year not having fun because I'm stressing about planning and paying for this thing.  So eff it.  If it's not fun, freaking eff it all.

*to clarify, Jason doesn't actually give two hoots about my bouquet choices.  He was trying to be helpful when I'd already hit my "visual inspiration" breaking point.


  1. Amen. I've hit that point several times in the planning process, although I've been able to get back on my wedding-planning horse each time...Good luck!

  2. A-effing-men. Seriously. Funny though, I'm more likely to say eff it than the fiance - he's why we're doing save the dates, for instance. But when we both say eff it and his mother doesn't? We do whatever the heck we want to do. That includes no favors (bc no guest really wants them) and no bouquet tossing and no real flowers. So there. I think realizing that you can say eff it to things is very cathartic in the wedding planning, so kudos to you - you'll make it through!

  3. This is definitely the theme of our wedding. I was walking through Michaels yesterday and noticed that I was Not Enjoying thinking about centerpieces. So eff it. I'm not going to think about them any more for right now. Sometime in August or September or on October 8th, I will pour some rocks into vases, add some moss or flowers, and call it a day.

  4. I don't know if it's helpful to say this, but I think this sort of ebb and flow of interest/disinterest is TOTALLY NORMAL. Especially with a long engagement like yours--who could expect to maintain 100% interest in planning one day for like two years? You're allowed to be over it.

    There are a lot of great ideas we dropped because we couldn't be arsed. It's a great reason not to do things. It's up to you to what extent you give a shit about the details, but you are under no obligation to! We threw out a tonne and did not miss it at all at our wedding.

  5. I hit this point just over a week ago and have been slashing things out of the wedding, and do you know? It feels SO GOOD.

    I've missed your posts!

  6. i love you. and i completely agree with your new wedding planning motto - if it's it's not fun, then don't do it! in fact, i think we could ALL take that advice...

    good to have you back, B. we missed you out here ;)

  7. i'm so over it too! i'm taking eff it if it's not fun and putting it on my fridge.

  8. Just so you know...it's my job to climb the ladders and hang lanterns. Don't get stressed out about any set up stuff because that is what I am there for! I finally came to the conclusion last week that I was not (or at least I was going to try) going to plan another goddamn thing. the plane ticket is purchased, the dress and suit are purchased, now I just need to show up.

  9. It's only natural. Time to step away, have a great meal, and don't think about any wedding stuff.
    I only had <4 months to really plan the wedding (after we changed everything because we were moving to England). It was a blessing and a curse and I was weddinged out. We went to an overpriced movie and had a dinner a few weeks before the wedding to escape the planning madness.

    You're definitely right, eff it if it's driving you and you're not having fun (and you will find lots of stupid things you'll chop at the last minute). Party planning is not fun, but the party is. It will def be a good one esp. if tacos are involved.

  10. Oh I have felt your pain. I am sorry you are feeling overwhelmed and fed up. I think if you didn't feel this way at least once in wedding planning you wouldn't be NORMAL.

    There are some things that we didn't get done at our wedding that I wish we did, and some things we did do that in the end made no difference. If you can cut out as much crap and just focus on the important things you'll be fine. Or maybe just more sane!

    At SO MANY TIMES I wished we had eloped. Even up to the night before when we were standing in a hotel lobby at midnight (so technically our wedding day) in 38C degree heat being told all our rooms had been accidentally canceled. Oh BOY did I wish we had eloped in that moment.

    BUT even though heaps of things went to hell on the day, and we didn't get to spend much time with anyone -

    I AM glad we did it that way. Having our friends and family there - even if I did only see them individually for one hug each - meant the world to us both. I didn't realise how much it would actually mean until we were standing up in front of them all and saying thank you as part of our ceremony. It was overwhelmingly wonderful to be surrounded by the people that really matter to you both.

    Through all the shit, all the things that went to hell, all the moments I wanted to stab people with forks... in the end it was worth it.

    We are married. I am so happy.

    And I know YOU will be too. x

    P.s. Taco truck = AWESOME

  11. Um, this will not be the last time you feel this but you are taking the complete right approach! Have your eff it moments because on the day of everything will some how come together and it will rock NO MATTER WHAT!

  12. I soooo hear you on this one. I've finally decided if I'm not going to have fun planning it I'm not doing it. If it costs too much $ I'm not doing it. In the end, who gives a Sh*t!! This is how many of our conversations go now: me: "do you care if we have X?" him: "No, why?" me: "Good we're not having it." OR me: "Do you care about X?" him: "yes" me: "Oh good, then you can take care of it while I work on my thesis!"

  13. Couldn't. Agree. More. What a brilliant post!


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