When I get stressed, I am a grumpy mess. And by mess, I literally mean mess. Like clothes all over the floor, can't be bothered to deal with the household chores, MESS. And these last two weeks were more stressful than normal people should ever have to endure. Let's just say I slept about 6 hours this past weekend, total, at the tail end of a grueling few weeks at work, pushing through to an absurd deadline. The level of mess and stress was simply unfathomable.
This was hardly the first time for my stress-mess implosion. My job is not exactly a walk in the park; for all of the amazing things I love about it, and for all of the world-changing green tech projects I get to make happen, there's very little park walking involved. (Let's just say that I'd appreciate a little more hippie environmentalism in my environmental industry life sometimes.) But... as awful as the last few weeks were, it was also the best stress-mess implosion I've ever experienced. It was somewhat related to the fact that Jason kindly took care of this dishes and making my healthy lunches while ignoring my raincoats and umbrellas strewn about the apartment. But mostly, it had everything to do with just knowing he was there. He called to say hello when I most needed it at 11pm. He made space for my frazzled ball of stressness without complaint and with multiple hugs. He reminded me each day that I'm not alone in this, that this will end and he'll still be there and that we can go hiking together next weekend (or whenever it next stops raining.)
This feeling of having committed to each other is powerful stuff, more than I ever could have imagined in my single days and in my unhappily coupled days. Because I know he's always going to be there for me. And I for him. And if marriage is nothing more than knowing in my core that I have a nook to climb into at the end of the day and a fun-partner for the days when we can leave work behind, then I'm okay with that. I don't know what precisely the wedding is going to change about our relationship, our sense of being home with each other, or our knowledge that we're somewhat stronger and better when the other is around but, if it's anything like this, I can hardly wait to be married to Jason.
It's been a crazy few weeks. Blogging will recommence as usual within a day or two. In the meantime, it was nice to get a reminder of what all this wedding-related effort is actually for.