Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Lessons Learned

I've been feeling a little zen lately about this wedding planning thing.  Perhaps even a bit smug in my I-have-this-totally-under-control mode.  Perhaps even excited that Jason is finally getting excited about the planning too, and I can finally start to share all of my fabulous ideas, hear about his, and and we can start to make all the big decisions (of the Important and Fun varieties).

Clearly, I was due for a comeuppance.

If I have learned anything from this morning's tiff, it's that talking about weddings before I've had my second cup of coffee or Jason's read the news is a bad idea.  Right now you're probably feeling smug too, because of course it's a bad idea and you already knew that.  Well, in theory I already knew that too. And in theory I was just forwarding todays' post from A Practical Wedding because it made for good put-it-in-context reading, and we're at the point in planning where we're trying to put it in context and cut away the fluff and stress.  And I felt quite superior in realizing that I was already cutting away all sorts of fluff and potential stress.  And then I decided to try and talk about the article - which he liked - before coffee and news. 

Bad idea folks, bad idea.  Somehow* we started talking about decor, which is silly and unimportant in the big picture, and about which we currently disagree.  So we're implementing a new rule.  If we find something awesome that excites us about weddings, we don't need to share it right away.  Unlike when we see funny things online, or interesting news tidbits, or receive great emails, we do not need to share wedding articles, inspirations, or "what if" ideas right away.  We can practice delayed gratification, file away the idea on our computer or in an email file labeled "wedding ideas," sit down like productive organized adults at designated wedding planning times, and discuss wedding ideas and tidbits in context of our overall hopes, goals, and priorities for the day. And not in fragments before my coffee has kicked in.  Nothing, in fact, should be discussed before my coffee kicks in.

Lesson learned.  Comeuppance earned.  Moving on and forward.

*somehow might have been due to my overeagerness in pointing out that my decor approach was reflected in Meg's post.  His is not (necessarily, though he's done less comprehensive thinking about wedding fluffery than I have).  Hence, the really bad idea to discuss. 


  1. Oh man I've been there. Mr. Beagle and I are at two different points in our planning process. I've been reading wedding blogs for far longer than I care to admit, so I'm over the pretty decor and "must haves." I care more about the vows and necessary big stuff. However, he's still back in the early days of wedding planning discovery.

    So when I start kicking ideas to the curb, he hasn't had a chance to process them yet and decide for himself what is and is not important. Ends with a bitter Bunny and a bitter Beagle.

  2. Jason here, chiming in with a little of my own perspective. I'm realizing that B and I think about the wedding in different ways. Her brain is much more frequently focused on wedding topics and her opinions are clearer & stronger so she's more willing to jump right into a discussion. My brain, on the other hand, is just beginning to engage in serious wedding-thinking -- individual ideas burst out at random but don't really cohere into a larger philosophy yet, and my patience-threshhold for wedding-related discussions is still pretty low. That difference of perspective makes it easy for off-hand comments to be misunderstood, which leads to bad assumptions which leads to conflict. So we're gonna be extra-sensitive to each others' brain-spaces & find ways to set a clear context before we engage in wedding-talks. Luckily, good communication is one of our strong suits, and I think we'll be able to proceed with minimal conflict. Provided we've both had our morning coffee first.

  3. Nice to meet you, Jason! I'm jealous. He-Mouse won't ever comment.

    1. I challenge the web to produce a couple who doesn't fight about wedding planning.

    2. You guys are clearly great for each other. Look how fast you came to understanding of where the other was coming from! Hoorah.

  4. You are right on the money with this post. Mike and I fought about all this same shit - but when the time actually came to execute decor and centerpieces and color decisions, we were totally on the same page - it was magical, and a tad mind blowing. We started crafting together 5 nights ago and we've been crafting together every night since - without any fighting! I'm feeling so zen about wedding planning right now, it's insane. 7 months away from the big day and feelin' good. not too shabby, eh? so, happy planning times are ahead of you, you're just in the "my head's gonna explode with all these ideas" phase. and there's bound to always be some head-butting with that.

  5. One way to look at it is that you and Jason are building conflict resolution skills that you can take with you into marriage.


    And yes, that sounds like sentence ripped from the pages of a self-help book, but still. We fight, and through fighting we learn how to best work with the other person.

    So... yay?

  6. David wrote a geust post about this ages (by which I mean almost two years... ahhh...) ago. I always brought things up when he was watching one of his shows on TV, which definitly pushed him to a "I really do not care about inspiration boards, please shut up," point EVERY TIME.

    But zen is ok. You'll get back there. It's good. No comeuppance needed.

  7. Mr Fix It and I are really good at our communication skills as Jason mentioned. However, he definitely has his moments where he is overloaded with wedding ideas and chat. Thank goodness I have all you ladies here because otherwise I think he'd run off and marry someone else just so he didn't have to listen to me anymore! I have definitely learned that when I have an idea about something I'm excited to have at the wedding, I need to wait until a good calm opportune moment to discuss it with him. Just throwing it out there right when I think of it does not always play out well for us. And we have a hard time agreeing on a lot for the wedding. Which makes it that much harder to share. :) Our latest tiff this week was over what exactly we each thing 'swing' dancing means as we are getting ready to start dance lessons this week. I had some great moves I found on YouTube to show him and he flipped out and said if *that* is what I think our swing dance is going to look like then we aren't going to waste the money because it's boring! I just clammed up and decided it is better left for another discussion time. :)

  8. Reading this and the comments makes me glad I'm not the only one. My finace implemented a real wedding talk only during wedding talk scheduled times (always post coffee, never during South Park) because (like others have said above) I kept throwing all these ideas at him without giving him any time to digest or think on them. Also, I may have been a teensy bit unreasonable in backing MY ideas. A very good rule, in all.

  9. We had to learn this lesson pretty early's really hard to keep all the wedding ideas to myself, but I've learned to be patient and share only during opportune times.

  10. this is such a fantastic post. i can't tell you how many wedding planning fights we had in the beginning. we're five months out and things have died down in the last few months, because we took care of the big things back in may and june. once it starts up again, i fear we'll be right back there. at least you and jason can talk about it and resolve things quickly...that's really great. it seems like once you communicate, you're on the same page.
    my problem is we have different ideas about what we want for a wedding. luckily, we have the same ideas about what we want for our life, so i'm pretty confident it'll be ok. :)

  11. Sounds like a great plan. I don't know if I would have the patience that you do though. I was constantly emailing J throughout the day with pictures and ideas. every single day! I was a bit of a crazy bride to be chock full of too much inspiration.

    I think I might have some more restraint with non-wedding related things so I think i'm might borrow this idea of yours for other, health, finances, etc...thanks for the great idea!

    Have a great weekend!

  12. Ours is music. Anytime we discuss music for the wedding it becomes a huge disaster. Good thing you have a good way to deal with your issue... At least you know how to work together... :)


I love active conversations, including (civil) disagreement. I don't love spam or people who use internet anonymity to be rude and disparaging. Spam and rudeness will be deleted.